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Archive for the ‘Manifestoes’ Category

Misappropriation of Lottery Funds

Posted by Fiss on May 2, 2012

Everyone dreams of what they would do with a giant novelty cheque proudly displaying upwards of six or seven zeroes before the decimal point.  Somehow matching those five, six or more random numbers on your little piece of paper bought on a whim at the corner store, you’d put off even checking until you heard from your co-workers or friends that someone in your city won the jackpot.  When you finally do check them and magically obtain a lifetime’s worth of cash in a single instant.  It would be surreal…a true dream like event.

Maybe that’s why so many people like to dream about it.  I think deep down we all know the chances are pretty good you’ll get twenty or thirty bucks back on the hundreds you’ll spend on lotto tickets throughout your life, but just having that hypothetical “chance” seems to be a therapeutic bonus all in itself.  Most folk would pay off debts and travel.  Buy a house…maybe houses for all their loved ones if the amount is big enough.  A flashy car, a shiny TV, maybe even a suit worth more than one’s entire previous wardrobe.

Of course the real fun comes in imagining what you would BLOW your cash on.  If you paid your bills, gave to your charities and already did all the moderately responsible things you knew to do with your cash, but still had a LOT more…well…I know people who would buy islands, travel to space, buy thousands of Twinkies or blow a million in a weekend trip to Vegas.

But for me?  Honestly?  I’d save a few grand to build horrific monoliths of evil.
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Posted under Manifestoes

The Cost of a Shit to Give

Posted by Fiss on January 20, 2012

Somewhere between realizing that the Power Rangers aren’t real, and seeing your parents or guardians as fallible human beings instead of invincible protectors or tyrannical monsters, you begin to realize that there are problems in the world that do not centre around your ability to have ice-cream for dinner or a receiving a skinned knee.  In fact, as your mind opens up to accept more and more of the horrors around you, I’d dare think that you form a strong consensus in your mind that GI Joe was lying when he said that knowing was half the battle, and that red-and-blue lasers were the other part of the equation.

It isn’t long before you realize that no matter how many bake sales you run, hugs you give and Band-Aids you hand out to people that you can never do enough.  There are always more problems.  Worse is when you start to see the really terrible ones advertised on TV like some kind of rolling guilt trip to haunt your impressionable young mind.  Giving begins as a fun thing you do at holidays or for birthdays, and is transformed into something that seems absolutely vital for the continued survival of the human race.  Maybe it is.  Maybe it isn’t.  But it sure does feel like it when you see kwashiorkor-bellied children suffering bare-footed in the dirt of some God-forsaken shithole in Africa.

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Posted under Manifestoes

Piss-Warm 2012

Posted by Fiss on January 4, 2012

I have felt sadness before.  Loathing and anger are no strangers to my emotional pallet, and I can tell you of bitter swallows of both heartbreak and unrequited desire.  Ahh yes, yet they were always the kind of drink that scalded the throat, lightened the wallet and will…and ultimately taught me a lesson, desired or not.  But this…this is a watered down pint of spirits.  This strange, weak emotive mead is brewed not of the deepest sorrow, nor the sharp tang of regret.  It is stale, and it is hateful and I know it will not allow me to drink deeply of it so I may lose it in a hangover the next day.  I drink of piss-warm egotism, and yet I can’t bring myself to walk over to the toilet and deposit the liquid where it rightfully belongs.

Maybe it is the occupying of my thoughts that makes this so unique.  I feel sad, but not so sad as to rise up and resolve against all those sad things in the world.  I feel angry, but only as much as a frustrated houseplant must feel when someone nudges its vase.  I wallow and groan, but if I were to try to share my defeat with the many caring and lovely people in my vicinity, I am instantly rendered ashamed and would dare not continue past a noncommittal huff.  I almost believe it conquerable by a little will, a little smile and a pinch of the better sugars of our nature.  Yet the tears come, they sting, and they tell me I must continue feeling like this a little while longer, though they barely threaten to escape the lacrimal gland.

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Posted under Colapost, Manifestoes

Civil Service

Posted by Fiss on May 5, 2011

There is something terribly exciting about choice, reaction and consequence. In our society, freedom and choice go nearly hand in hand, rolled together in a little sushi roll that promises again and again that it is worth fighting for, worth dying for, and worth having no matter how bitter the taste or allergic the reactions that follow consumption of said maki. We value this perfect simple idea of freedom so deeply that we make it the unsung (and not so unsung) hero, prize and virtue of countless tales, songs, hymns and legends. Maybe it is because we believe we grew from a time that didn’t have choice… (You have to get up and hunt or you’ll starve. You’ll have to find a mate or you’ll die alone. You’ll have to follow what your elders taught you or be stoned or burnt to death) that we forget that this freedom has been around a lot longer than our silly notions of the world have been cast in the die of our so called collective common sense.

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Posted under Manifestoes

Copypasta

Posted by Fiss on January 27, 2011

Reading through Facebook updates is like trick-or-treating.  You walk up to the browser, ring the doorbell / favourite / bookmark, and hope that the first and last thing you see isn’t an axe flying toward your head or your girlfriend breaking up with you by announcing to the world you are a terrible lover and your butt smells like rotten cheese.  Thankfully, due to years of police and citizen patrols the axe thing happens pretty rarely.  The ass-cheese thing depends on you, but we can hope it is also a rare occurrence.

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Posted under Manifestoes

Disobediant Little Children

Posted by Fiss on December 22, 2010

There is a strange pleasure I have in watching my son become a person.  Its hard to describe, really.  We’re brought up with the idea that children are people too.  That there is a kind of instant nobility and sentience to Humanity.  The truth, however, is that we grow into it.  We grow into our Intelligence, our Will and our Belief.  It doesn’t just happen all at once, and that alone is the reasoning behind several hundred pages of Catholic Dogma describing what happens to Little Suzy Six-Month-Old when her mother suffers a terminal bout of Post Partem and kills them both by running the Honda too long in the garage.

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Posted under Manifestoes

Three Thousand Prayers

Posted by Fiss on September 28, 2010

There is a Bhuddhist monk in China who made it a regular habit to pray more than three thousand times a day in his earlier, youthful years.  Now, as he reaches seven decades upon this planet, he finds himself having to scale back his devotion to a mere one thousand on average.  Upon the hardwood floor of the temple, his footprints are literally etched into the wood, creating something akin to what children do when the city or your parents pour new cement near your house.

Outside of breathing, blinking and walking, I would be surprised to learn I do anything with this much regularity.  There are no books on Prunes for the Soul.  No Fibre rich diets for the Imagination.  No Boot Camp for the Brain.  I’m one of those types of people that wears my spirituality, creativity and ego on large, comfy baggy shirts that can hide the few pounds you put on while indulging at Marble Slab.  Trying to compress any of that into what equates to a metronome is alien to me.   Read the rest of this entry »

Posted under Manifestoes

Under the Bridge

Posted by Fiss on August 11, 2010

Despite what your adolescent fears have taught you, during trips into Tolkien’s massive tomes or attack rolls versus regenerating goliaths using killer Icosahedrons, I am here to tell you that Trolls are glorious things.  Now, of course, in this day and age, when one things of Trolls, one often thinks of the bittersweet act of Trolling so commonplace on the Internet.  You may, for a moment, think that I am offering words of comfort to those embittered by hidden bridge-dwellers or evil sprites, but I’m afraid my words are indeed for those most hated and enjoyed folk who go out of their way to bring chaos to the online world.  In fact, I am not only saying Trolls are much more wonderful than most people believe they are, but I would dare say, a modern day necessity in a world that takes itself far too seriously.

And no.  This isn’t an attempt at Trolling.

Here’s why. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted under Manifestoes

OH HAI CAN I TAEK UR ORDER LOL?

Posted by Fiss on July 21, 2010

Despite efforts to eat right and stay healthy, I think there are a lot of us who break down and crave something unwholesome and terribly salty/fatty/spicy, so I make no excuses when I tell you I frequent the McDonalds drive thru. It’s one of the only places I’ve found that is consistently not terrible at 4 in the morning out of all the places that are actually OPEN at 4 in the morning. Honestly, how hard is it to fuck up a Teen Burger and Onion Rings? Apparently, it’s very easy when you’re using three day old grease from the fryer and not paying attention to the timer because your iPod just hit a long stretch of Lincoln Park.

One morning, a few months ago, I rolled up to the drive-thru at the McDonalds closest to my home (which, by the way, takes some effort to calculate as there are no less than four within a five minute drive of me) hoping to take the edge off of my post-work hunger pangs. I roll down my window, lean on in and wait for the scratchy little speaker to start asking for my commands like an obedient Genie.

“Welcome to McDonalds!!! Can I take your order?” Read the rest of this entry »

Posted under Manifestoes

iFail Wifi+3G

Posted by Fiss on January 30, 2010

By now the fanboys are rushing to the battlements, trying to prepare for the uncouth masses waking up from the last three months…no…the last several years of blind lust for Apple Computers Inc.  I can only imagine how it must feel to know you’re on the other side of the coin when the Second Coming turns out to be a sham, the Lotto ticket is a fake, or the Pregnancy Test and the Colon Cancer results got mixed up at the clinic.  But that’s exactly what happened here.  The company that “Revolutionized” the industry just fucked up their chance to continue to suck unquestioned and untold amounts from the collective credit-card teats of the Starbucks crowd.  Hallelujah.  At least…I hope they have.

Now, this post has a higher purpose than just Apple bashing, so let me get it out of the way that I admire what OSX does for portable devices, and think it’s an excellent match on the iBook and Powerbooks.  Even the iPhone is the best at what it does, and I cannot argue the iPod itself is single-handedly responsible for saving Apple’s ass from the late 90’s.  However, after listening to the last three months of meaningless, useless jabber from the professional computer industry about the iPad, and for a moment actually thinking that MAYBE Apple would create a product I’d be interested in, I feel fully justified in bringing the fire.  You fucked up, Apple. Your one chance to woo me outside of me getting bored enough to Hackintosh a HP Mini and you lost it. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted under Manifestoes