Midnight Jolt Run

A Manifesto in three parts

Part 2: Value Added Resume Fodder

Every time I think I’ve found a place to belong in the corporate, responsible, 9-to-5 paycheque collecting world, it seems to throw me for a loop as according to some hidden, maddening plan it has to drive us all completely mental. 

I am tired of buzzwords. 

I am sick of organizational change and stakeholder directives. 

When I think of the petty micromanaging that must go on in middle management, I feel physically queasy and no amount of Tums seem to fix that illness.  I’m tired of seeing the promotion of a family and friends environment, only to see it slowly be eaten away like cancer by lies, corruption and…worst of all…gossip.  It’s as if a company-specific version of chaos theory takes hold the moment you feel that maybe, just maybe, this career will fill the next decade of your life with some reasonable level of meaning and a steady drip into your bank account’s IV bag.  And really, it’s not all bad.  Friends develop out of both necessity and random chance.  The challenges and skills you pick up and place down at any environment still exist when you’re surrounded by cubicle walls, half or full height.  It’s not that I hate working for a company, or think that some other company is better, less bullshit, and more reasonable.  Far from it!  The company I’m with currently as my quote-unquote day-job is actually quite excellent.  The problem I have, however, with corporations, with buzzwords, with the endless politicking of the demographic is not that the root of it all is inherently vile; it is that the corruption seems to fit so naturally and pervasively throughout every company, every industry, and every economic turn that occurs.  Nothing is safe, and that both intrigues me, and worries me, just a little, and equal parts of both. 

Thankfully, I am not of one of those unfortunate folk that were chosen for the years sacrifice to the economic gods of cull and profit, but I see so many good folk, hard workers that are valuable, worthy, and generally excellent reasons for the human genome to propagate in general, be sacked with a polite and politically correct e-mail.  Teary goodbyes and promises to stay in touch always help make the transition easier.  Beers and food are always promised, and always wonderful despite the bitter aftertaste.  However, in the end, it’s all still a buzzword to the Corporate Mind. 

Downsize this.  Lateral move here.  Operational efficiency up the hoopla!!! 

And none of it really matters if nobody’s buying.  This is what pisses me off most about the culture of Corporate North America.  That there exists some kind of reasoning and logic that, with enough levels of structure and teams and support that somehow, a company turns into its own creature trying to feed itself off of itself instead of being supported by the only law that should matter:  Supply and Demand. 

Of course a company that sells shoes will need web-developers and secretaries and coffee-delivery boys and girls.  Of course an ISP needs a PR department and Technical Support.  You can’t make money if the machine isn’t healthy, and it takes so many organs to stay health.  But to lose sight of the core of your reason, to start thinking that investments drive your world instead of the people you’re offering your time, product, service or insight to…it’s like a fox who has forgotten that the sheep suit was just a disguise and actually starts to believe it enough to want to mentally change its own DNA.  When it gets to that level, you see all the good things falling down.  Friendships are replaced with rumour mills.  Bosses change from helpers to overseers.  Support turns into monitoring.  The company senses something is wrong and starts to make changes…cut off the fat…shake up the bones…all the while it should be exercising and eating better. 

I hate the corporate culture because it pushes such a huge focus on the Company and forgets that the People are the true value, the true sales force, and the true product.  Heaven help us all in these economically uncertain times, because it will become abundantly apparent which companies have transitioned from Us to It…from We to Inc.  We’re seeing it now and the signs are everywhere.  Google and Microsoft laying off people for the first time…ever.  Sony continuing to alienate even their longest time fans with boneheaded and clearly insulting business decisions driving their profits lower and lower.  Companies that once literally carried the Canadian economy (everyone wave to Nortel!) are penny stocks due to endless upper management problems now turning lethal due to recession.  People are spending less money…not because they don’t have as much, but because they are starting to re-think what they need to expect from value.  Governments needing to spend billions trillions of “save-the-workers-from-the-unemployment-line” dollars into companies who produce products that less and less people want (and at prices less and less people want to pay) when they have better, faster, cheaper, cooler alternatives.  Instead of listening to what people want, need and desire, our culture has turned into one of the ever-present dollar and those who serve it simply deciding what we should want, should need, and should desire.  People can only be led so far down that path, however, before they start checking their pocket books and their personal inventory for holes.  Companies believe in their ability to be right and perfect so much that they’re shocked and offended to find they’re dying because of the most fundamental rule of a capitalist economy: 

Supply what they want. 

Adjust price due to how badly they want it. 

Do not assume you know better. 

Do not assume that customers are filling your pews out of loyalty to your CEO or singing praises about your products because you’ve increased your profits by a tenth of a percent.  Even worse, however, has been the Dot-Com era habit of Innovation and Advancement being replaced by Buy-The-Little-Grass-Roots-Company.  Absorb what isn’t yours and pretend you thought of it.  That works great once in a while, but like a diet of fake sugar-water, eventually it will not be enough to keep those hummingbird wings going.  It’s gotten the point that some companies have literally forgotten how to function in a marketplace, let alone function well.  It is only due to the ever-present lazy consumer throwing habitual money at things that they stay afloat long after the damage is done, the iceberg past, and the water already filling decks A through F.  What we are seeing in the world economy was predicted and rumoured and expected to happen for years, and we won’t see the actual full effects of it for at least another year as companies continue to slowly chew and digest the facts and the stocks.  In the meantime, those who see their immediate and real cash flow diminishing will panic, dig around the desk for their carving knifes, and start slicing away the better parts of themselves in an effort to seem that much sexier and attractive to potential investors.  And so we have the modern recession-fearing company:  Obsessive compulsive cosmetic surgery directed by an Attention Deficit Disordered mind on a body that really needs to ignore the gray hairs appearing and look at the throat tumour that has been unchecked for the last six months. 

Despite all the warnings, here we are:  Oil empires and technology kingdoms now found lacking and crashing along with the waves and rebounds of the economy, and is it the Company that suffers?  Does the Executive Team have to give up their gold plated backscratchers this year?  Of course not.  It will be the folks working hard that have to worry, and the time at the water cooler will expand into an important witch hunt instead of an annoying little rumour-mill. 

It is times like these in which I honestly consider my options as a writer and wonder…how fast would I be able to become one?  Or maybe a vigilante to counter the increase in crimes as people wonder how they’ll get their next flat-screen TV, SUV or Grando-Frappa-Latte they’ve come to crave synthetically. 

So, if one day you see me wandering the roof-tops in a black suit while dual-wielding Swingline Staplers to defeat the foes of economic prosperity, you’ll know things have truly gone to shit and I’ve been forced to leave my day-job due to the cancer spreading within it.  At least when the economy turns around and gets pumped up from people realizing that they have to work for a living instead of selling pyramid schemes and thinking stock prices move due to the prayers and magic 8-balls of the Vice Presidents and CFO’, I’ll be able to put my experiences down on my resume as people management skills.

• Reduced local crime by 21% within 2 quarters.  
• Completed “The Fiss-mobile” project and launch-ramp system. 
• Took an online HR course. 
• Received awards from the Calgary Vigilante group for most Pimps slapped within a 48 hour period.
• Volunteered at Toys-For-Tots over the holidays.

Hell yeah.  Pure gold. 

Christopher Brummet, Studio Shinnyo 2009. Khattam-Shud, EOF.